Kids can bring all sorts of joy to a family, but having them isn’t easy. Those with children will freely tell you, no two experiences are the same. Pregnancies and procedures may share similarities, but that’s about it. The rest consists of expecting the unexpected, hoping for the best, and preparing for the worst.

However, navigating the vast landscape of the unexpected is even more challenging when you are expecting abroad. From differences in language, healthcare systems, or even the culture around childbirth, bringing a bundle of joy into the world can be transformed from a bit nerve-racking, yet joyous, to a panic-inducing experience.

China, in this respect, presents parents-to-be with the ultimate list of unknowns, as the workings of the healthcare system here remain a mystery into which only a select few foreigners are initiated.

Jeremy & Jacquelyn Carman with their kids

Jeremy Carman and his wife Jacquelyn are one of those lucky few foreign couples that have learned how to make the Chinese healthcare system work for them. As parents of five, four of their kids were born in China.

“Our first was born at Peking Union Medical College Hospital,” explains Carman. “We didn’t have any insurance. We didn’t speak any Chinese. And we had no idea what to expect. It was such a memorable and monumental time in our lives. There was just so much we didn’t understand.”

It is from this and subsequent experiences that the Carmans sought to provide other nervous, inexperienced expat parents with the wealth of knowledge amassed over their years in China. “When we became pregnant with our first child, we were freaked out. We had no idea what it was like to have a baby – let alone have one in a foreign country,” says Carman. “We had a ton of questions that we were asking on Internet forums, but there wasn’t much information available at that time. So, after the birth of our second child in 2009, people were now asking us for tips! At one point, we were replying to so many emails that we decided that we needed to share this with as many people as possible.”

And that is how havingababyinchina.com was born. a platform dedicated to providing expat parents with information on what to expect when expecting in China.

One of the hardest decisions to make for parents is the hospital. Each choice has its benefits and deterrents. And in a country like China, there is a wide variation in experiences and services depending on the option you choose. Havingababy.com offers a video course on how to choose a hospital depending on your needs and birth plan, and also prepares you for what you might experience. At a minimum, expectant parents can choose one of five choices: birth at a local public hospital, birth at a local private hospital, birth at the international hospital, returning to their home country for delivery, and finally, a liaison service.

A surplus of choice doesn’t, however, mean a surplus of excellent options. It is up to parents to weigh the benefits versus the possible disadvantages of one option over another. As Carman explains, “I remember at one hospital, where we were doing prenatal visits, the doctor told us that our baby didn’t appear to have a bladder! We were so worried and afraid as we searched for a hospital that had a better ultrasound machine. Our baby was born with a healthy bladder, but it was an extremely stressful time.”

If the equipment is a serious consideration for you, then public Chinese hospitals might be the way to go since they are funded by the government and as such, receive the latest equipment and the most qualified doctors. However, you might have to contend with a language barrier, possible shared accommodation, and a confusing bureaucratic system. International hospitals do offer private accommodation and have bilingual staff, however, they are financially prohibitive, costing four to ten times more than your average public hospital. Thus it might not be a feasible option for those without insurance. Or you might just want your family and friends there with you at your birth, and so returning home to have the baby seems more appealing. You will still have to contend with the risks of travel in your third trimester, the chance that your partner might not get paternity leave in time to attend the birth, and also, it can be quite expensive.

These and many more considerations are explored in detail in the ‘Choosing a Hospital’ lesson, moderated by Ruth Greene, a certified doula and mom of four with her own extensive experience in dealing with Chinese hospitals.

“We’ve collaborated with some incredible childbirth experts to put this course together,” says Carman of the entire course. “These experts have combined decades of experience and have put together some awesome lessons that take you from choosing a hospital to breastfeeding. Our goal is to cover each step along the journey of having a baby in China.” Currently, six lessons have been published on the havingababyinchina.com platform, with more to be uploaded in the coming months.

Beijingkids readers can access the full ‘Choosing a Hospital’ course for free by clicking here or by scanning the QR code below.

Photos: Jeremy Carman, Unsplash

When I was pregnant, I thought I was fully equipped with all the information I needed to give birth and have a baby. I was so wrong. Nobody is really prepared for what will happen. Our bodies and our minds go through intense changes, especially mothers who just created a human with their bodies. Nobody in my surroundings including me was ready for the storm that we would get caught up in for some years to follow.

Slowly and with a lot of work I reemerged into the “real” world after battling severe postnatal depression. I started to gather information and friends who knew more about birthing and being pregnant. It occurred to me that with the right kind of knowledge and information some events can be less traumatizing for the mother and the family.

Knowledge is power and power gives people the chance to make major life decisions easier and with confidence. Penny Simkin is a physical therapist who has specialized in childbirth and labor support since 1968. She will be holding a three-day workshop in Beijing from Aug 26-28 and a parenting class on the 29th. She will share the latest evidence based information with parents, healthcare providers, childbirth educators, doulas and other practitioners. Interpretation will be provided for the workshops.

Simkin has been informing woman, couples, and siblings in preparation for childbirth for a long time. With her Doula work, she has been part of over a hundred births, authored and co-authored many books, and has developed teaching materials for birth classes. To say she is a busy woman is an understatement, as her resume is very impressive, dedicating her life to childbirth and educating people around the world. The workshops in Beijing will be held at Gentle Planet, Peking University Third Hospital. Find more information here.

“Gentle Planet believes education brings changes. We work on publishing books and videos, holding workshops and conference, running self-media platform to promote natural birth and breastfeeding and to improve the childbirth environment in China. Our first book is Barbara Harper’s “Gentle Birth Choices”. “The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding” and “Sweet Sleep” will be coming soon. Gentle Planet also encourage women to trust their motherhood instinct and wisdom. The whole team of Gentle Planet devote itself to support more and more women to achieve their own aim in childbirth and breastfeeding.”

Penny Simkin workshop
When: August 26-28
Where: Peking University Third Hospital, No.49,  Huayuan Road North, Haidian District, Beijing
How much: RMB 75

Parent class/demonstration
When: August 29 
Where: Peking University Third Hospital, No.49,  Huayuan Road North, Haidian District, Beijing
How much: RMB 1,000 per person for practitioner, RMB 300 per couple or pregnant parent

Picture Credit; birthful.com topfamousquotes.com motherrisingbirth.com mynovabirth.com

The birth of a child is supposed to be a happy time. The new parents are expected to look tired but elated, and to want to share their joy with friends and relatives, who crowd round offering gifts and advice.

But for many parents it just isn’t like that. Childbirth can bring with it depression, anxiety, and fear about what lies ahead. This is compounded by lack of sleep, and the social pressure to conform to expectations, to appear cheerful however they feel inside. Finally, the unhappiness itself becomes a source of guilt: “What’s wrong with me? Do I not love my child?”

Well-Meaning Advice
All this creates a perfect storm of negative feelings, which can lead to serious consequences. The first stage of escaping from this cycle is to acknowledge what you’re experiencing, and begin to talk about it.

One Beijing couple who have been on this long and difficult journey are Tim Coghlan and Enoch Li. We spoke to them about the challenges they faced, and how they have met them through therapy and honesty.

“The first few months were horrible,” Li told us frankly of the birth of her first child.

“I did not enjoy being pregnant. I didn’t like breast feeding, but felt that I had to. I tried different methods, but I would physically vomit after pumping.”

As many mothers have found, well-meaning advice from other moms was actually unhelpful. “I interpreted it as pressure when it was meant as support. In the end, I thought ‘If it’s getting in the way of me bonding with my child, then it’s not worth it.’ I stopped after four months.”

For Coghlan too it was a difficult time.

“I was torn between what I thought was best for the baby, and what was best for Enoch. I was not necessarily being supportive. These were complex emotions and a difficult decision.”

A video being shared on social media summed up the issue for Li.

“The video showed a mother kicking a toddler. Of course everyone was condemning her. I’m not usually vocal on social media, but I felt compelled to say something. Because by the time she gets to hurting the child, it must have built up for years. It’s easy to criticize the behavior but when she first needed help there was none. We don’t go beyond the question of how can anyone do such a thing… I was touched that a few people responded agreeing with me.”

The Turning Point
Li and Coghlan were able to find a way through their own crisis because they had previous experience of dealing with depression. When they first came to Beijing, Li was a high-flying executive at an international bank.

“After we arrived I had severe migraines, and took time off work,” she told us. “I thought maybe it was pollution, heat, environmental factors… But the headaches kept coming. I saw every single specialist, I even went to Hong Kong to see a brain specialist.

“In the end my GP said I should see a psychologist. I said I’m 28, I can sort this out, I’m not stressed. I didn’t like the psychologist, did not click with her. I felt I was being pigeonholed into culture shock as an explanation.”

Nothing helped though.

“I was crying on the way to work, and made the driver turn around. It was only when I went to the hospital that there was space for everything to come out. At the end of 2009 I was finally diagnosed with clinical depression.”

The diagnosis was a start, but the road ahead was still long and hard.

“I started taking anti-depressants,” Li said. “I was still in complete denial. I kept asking ‘When do I go back to work?’ I went to see a psychologist every week, and had to promise him not to kill myself.

“Tim was trying to be supportive, saying ‘She’ll be alright in a month,’ and so on. When you’re depressed people say things like ‘It’s a sunny day, let’s go for a walk in the park,’ but all these things are counter-productive.”

The turning point came not in the sunshine, but on a chilly winter’s day.

“He was somehow able to drag me out to Solana,” Li told us, “even though it was freaking cold in the middle of winter. The toilet was by a toy shop, and he saw me smiling at a teddy bear which I thought was smiling at me, so he bought it for me.”

Using the bear gave them a way of externalizing and talking about Li’s depression.

“He said let’s give it a name: Floppie, because it flops around like I did when I was low. He started to say things like ‘Why don’t we take Floppie out to see the snow?’ I engaged on a different level, a level of creativity, and it distracted me from musing on how meaningless my life was! We bought more bears, all different colors, and gave each bear a personality.”

The road to recovery involved some significant life changes.

“I decided to leave the bank. It took a long time to work through; I did a Masters degree, I needed to reinvent myself. My identity was tied up in my career – if I was leaving this career, what does that say about my identity?”

For Coghlan there was more to this question.

“It’s also about why she went into banking, about the pressures of growing up in Hong Kong. I grew up in Australia, and my parents supported me. In Hong Kong, if you get 98 percent, it’s not a ‘good job,’ it’s ‘what happened to the other two points?’ Youth suicides due to pressure are an issue of real concern in Hong Kong. We read an article in a Chinese paper about a woman who said to a kid of about 9 or 10, ‘Even if you die I’m going to burn these exercise books and send teachers down to hell, so you can carry on your education.’”

Recognizing the Mixed Emotions
Li now runs Bearapy, a consultancy that helps companies from multinationals to SMEs and start-ups with change management, understanding employees’ well-being and preventing stress. The ideas which underpin her work come from both her academic studies and her own experience.

“I had suppressed my emotions,” she said. “My vocabulary was, I was happy or not happy. If you fail you’re unhappy, but you get up and go again. People would say, ‘You’ve got a good job, a nice apartment- you don’t have a reason to be unhappy.’

“It’s the mask you put on, only presenting the best side. You look at rainbows and forget storms. The crux of the issue is to say: ‘Can we talk about this instead of pretending everything’s OK?’ Not being able to own up to your emotions means it builds up inside.”

Therapy helped her with opening up, she told us.

“When we first met I wasn’t able to articulate my emotions. Tim’s a gem, he’s able to talk about what he feels. Some sessions he would sit in on, and we did a lot of couple therapy, but I also saw the therapist on my own. We had therapy pre-marriage, post-marriage, pre-baby… A lot of things we traced back to my childhood.

“At first I was embarrassed and ashamed, to have to see a psychologist. Then we thought, now we know what the problem is, we can work on it.”

“If you were an actor in Hollywood,” Coghlan added, “having therapy would mean you’d finally have made it!”

What they have learned through therapy influences the choices they make as parents too.

“I try to do it with my daughter,” Li told us. “When she cries, it’s not ‘stop crying’, it’s ‘I can see you’re crying, what are you upset about?’ When we talk about her day, we put the emotions in: what was frustrating, what was disappointing. She’s turning three in August, and now she’s more vocal, we can see how the work we’ve done is coming out.”

Part of this involves consciously making changes to the way she herself was brought up.

“It’s not easy when I see her in mud. When I was a child everything had to be clean. But we let her be messy, try things on her own.

“My mom had many good intentions,” Li continued, “but the way she brought me up has affected my mindset. Because we’ve been through that experience Tim steps up and says, ‘That’s not the way we want to do it.’ To hold my mom back or the ayi back, takes courage. You’ve got to be self-aware and go up against conflict.”

We asked her what advice she had for parents facing difficulties with depression and anxiety.

“Don’t feel that the emotions, whatever you are feeling, are wrong, there is no right or wrong,” she said. “Recognize that many around us might be feeling the same, and there is no shame in it. Try to identify the feeling and communicate it to your other half. Don’t dismiss each other’s feelings, or brush them off; when your spouse is trying to share their feelings, sit and LISTEN, and ask them why they feel that way. And seek professional help if possible, especially to identify whether it is depression, anxiety, or anything else, because how you cope with it would be different.”

Life is rarely easy, and the challenges of parenthood never end. However, this couple’s story shows that even when things seem darkest, there is always a way back to happiness.