As a school counselor for the past 17 years, I’ve received many of the same inquiries from parents, all stemming around the age-old question: How do I communicate better with my child? Whether said child is 5 or 17, all parents (and teachers too) struggle sometimes to connect. Especially during times of not-so-pleasant behavior. But the struggle does not mean the impossible.

My tween is not the same person! Every simple conversation turns into an argument or a slammed door (or two) and next thing you know we are both so frustrated and yelling at each other … What happened to my baby?

Well, not just one thing happened – lots of different things are happening and their brain is to blame. Their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that regulates impulse control, planning, and decision-making, is not fully formed and won’t be until around age 25. Sorry, parents, but the parts of the brain adults use to make informed decisions are only halfway built! In simple terms, your child will need lots of help (and patience) navigating through it all. They truly just can’t help it. So what can you do?

Try remembering that all behavior is a form of communication – even the backtalk and slammed doors. It’s not about getting rid of the attitude; it’s about understanding it. Try shifting from focusing on the words to focusing on the feelings. Reframing these moments as opportunities to connect is key. You can say: Wow, you are feeling really angry with me right now. Do you want to talk about why you are angry or do you want a hug first? Lead with love. Resist the urge to immediately stop the behavior. When we do this, we miss the opportunity for our child to feel their feelings and ultimately self-regulate.

Connect first. Rationalize later.

Every answer to my questions about school is “fine,” or “I don’t know.” They would rather hang out with their friends, or their phone than the family. How do I get my child to talk to me?

Are you listening to hear them, or listening to respond? Do they have needs that are not getting met and which they are having difficulty communicating? Once we remember that our children need assistance building their awareness regarding their needs, we will know how better to help them.

Perhaps instead of “How was your day?” or “What did you learn?” ask open-ended questions that allow them to share their thoughts on what they decide is important. You can say “Tell me about the best part of your day.” Then share yours. On the flip side, ask them about the not-so-bright parts of the day and share yours as well. This not only gives them agency but shows genuine interest in their world.

I find myself getting frustrated during times of big emotions. Before you know it, we are both frustrated, and I end up feeling guilty for the way I responded. I know there must be a better way!

Tap into your own frustration. What about their behavior is triggering you? Are you triggered by the noncompliance, or because you feel as though you are not being heard? Turning inward FIRST and determining why you are being triggered allows you to attend to the behavior in a way that allows for co-regulation.

Children of all ages learn how to self-regulate through their interactions with you. Coregulation is just a fancy way of saying be present with them, in the moment, navigating through the emotional wave with them.

As babies, parents do this by holding their child when they are crying. Moving into toddler-hood, you teach your child to name their emotions. As adolescents this looks like sharing your feelings and talking through how you are managing them. Every step of the way, your child is learning through your modeling.

A triggered parent cannot calm down a triggered child. Take five minutes to calm your nervous system (deep breaths help with this), process your thoughts (where are these feelings coming from?), and validate your emotions. During this process, you are doing two things – modeling self-regulation, and allowing your emotionally triggered child time to naturally calm down. Make sure to state out loud what you are doing: I am feeling frustrated by this conversation. I am going to take time to take a few deep breaths to calm my nervous system so we can hear each other better. Here, you are acknowledging the funk in the air and modeling your regulation process. Win. Win.

While you cannot force someone to calm down, you can share your calm with others.

Above all, remember – perfection is not required to be a great parent, nor is it possible. None of us came with an instruction manual, and quite honestly we are all doing the best we can. Trust the process, and when all else fails remember your children learn more from your mistakes than your successes.

Rachel George is a certified therapist, life coach, and school counselor from Texas. She is currently a Middle School counselor at Western Academy of Beijing (WAB).

Images: Pexels

Photo by Wikimedia commons

The countdown has begun until the first session of the beijingkids 7th Halloween Costume Party at the Hilton Beijing Wangfujing from 5 to 8pm on Friday, October 25, with two additional sessions taking place on October 26 (10.30am-1.30pm and 5-8pm).

Please note that both sessions on Saturday October 26 have sold out. Tickets are still available for Friday, October 25.

The Halloween parties feature a five-star buffet, onsite trick-and-treating, pumpkin carving, a costume parade, a family photo taken by Littleones Kids and Family Portrait Studio, face painting, and other spooky activities.

Tickets are available for both groups and individual, with beijingkids Club members getting a discount. Member prices are:

• Table of 10 people: RMB 2,000
• Table of 5 people: RMB 1,000
• Individual tickets for adults and children 13 and up: RMB 250
• Individual tickets for Children 3-12: RMB 200
• Individual tickets for Children under 3: RMB 50

Tickets for non-members are:

• Table of 10 people: RMB 2,700
• Table of 5 people: RMB 1,500
• Individual tickets for adults and children 13 and up: RMB 320
• Individual tickets for Children 3-12: RMB 280
• Individual tickets for Children under 3: RMB 50

Advance registration is required and tickets are already on sale. Tickets will NOT be sold at the door, so get them while you can! Email events@beijing-kids.com or call 5820 7700 ext 866 to book your places.

Take a look at photos from last year’s beijingkids Halloween Costume Party.

Photo by Ricky Zhang

This month is all about tweens (kids aged 10-12), that awkward age between childhood and the teen years. We speak to a health professional and a P.E.T. teacher about the best way to support your tween as they undergo physical, emotional, and psychological changes. To lighten things up, we’ve also got a roundup of age-appropriate activities that won’t break the bank.

Summer’s almost over, and that means back to school for most families. However, there’s still a bit of time left to go on that decadent hotel staycation (China World Hotel even has a special promotion for students and teachers). Also in Playing, we revisit Liangma Qiao on a self-guided walking tour and look at Beijing’s best swim clubs.

Though school is almost here, China has no shortage of holidays to look forward to. Family Travels features reports from Sanya and the Philippines this month, while Deputy Managing Editor Ellis Friedman interviews Eliott’s Corner about holiday reading strategies.

In Dining, we visit Nuage for the best late-summer outdoor dining in Houhai and make a refreshing beetroot salad with Hilton Beijing. Be careful what you eat, however; students from BSB weigh in on the country’s food scandals.

In Talking Shop, we write about Plastered T-Shirts’ continued relevance as a purveyor of funky, witty, Beijing-flavored tees. In Birthday Bash, older kids get some love with a review of KTV chain Party World (done by a real, live teen).

This month, regular columnists Dr. Richard Saint Cyr and naturopath Melissa Rodriguez touch on dehydration remedies and tween health respectively. In Parenting, Christopher Lay agonizes about finding the "perfect" school and Ember Swift takes up arms against the domination of Chinese in her household.

Don’t forget to search our event listings for happenings around Beijing, or refer to our directory for help finding places around the city.

Can’t find the print edition? Send an email to distribution@beijing-kids.com or call 5820 7700.

Or, check out the PDF version online at Issuu.com.

I have a pre-tween daughter, Leah, who is exercising her independence these days. She tests me with her words, and she certainly challenges authority. She’s still a little girl, yet she knows that bigger things are just around the corner. To provide her with some much-requested liberation, I don’t meet her at the bus stop anymore, and she doesn’t have a great desire to hang out with me if there are other — better — options around.

I know it’s all part of growing up. It’s bittersweet to see; alas, all parents and children go through it. 

But there are moments when I realize she still needs me — wants me, even. She won’t tell me so, but it shows up in other ways. When there’s something going on at school — should I be there to watch? Or stay away as to not embarrass her? 

Luckily, I also have a younger daughter, Ava, who wants me there as much as possible. I enjoy that, even though going to school so often gets cumbersome at times. But I go when I am able, and I’m always glad that I did. She is, too.

The latest opportunity for me to go to school and enjoy seeing both of my daughters was just before Chinese New Year — the annual school parade and temple fair festivities. I waffled between attending both morning and afternoon events or just choosing one; after all, I had holiday packing to do and plenty to keep myself busy. After much pleading and some guilt-inducing by my youngest, I decided to go to both events, even though my oldest "didn’t really care."

Well, one look through the parade ensemble, where Leah was in costume and "performing," I knew I made the right decision. She didn’t want to show any excitement about seeing me there, of course, but she did notice that I came, and she gave me a smile that indicated it was what she wanted all along. I saw both girls in their moment, and I got to enjoy it with them.

As parents, we get so very busy with life — work, house management, our own education, social lives — it’s easy to not want to be bothered with the numerous and sometimes menial school events we’re invited to attend. But kids grow up way too fast, we all know that. Even if they tell you they don’t want you there, that it doesn’t matter if you come, it does. One small smile from Leah told me so. No matter what the attitude about staying away or being more of an embarrassment than a support to her, Leah wanted me there. So I was, and I’m glad of it.

Make the choice: Be there.