So guys, you know how it is. It’s the weekend, and of course you want to spend your hard-earned leisure time drinking single malt and driving sports cars around the golf course. But instead, your wife drags you down to the mall to go shopping. Because after all, your wife is a vacuous fembot only interested in shoes and handbags, with whom you have nothing in common. And she’s too high maintenance to just go and take a taxi, or God forbid, drive to the mall herself. Am I right, fellas?
So instead of playing poker while smoking cigars and doing carpentry, you’re left trailing round some space age megamall pretending to have an opinion about the things your wife cares about. There’s nothing worse, yeah?
Fortunately, a new mall in Shanghai has come up with the answer: a Husband Nursery.
A. Husband. Nursery.
Take a moment to revel in the wondrousness of that idea. Because when we men aren’t ruling the world with our ability to grow facial hair and park cars, we’re just big babies who love nothing to be better than to be mothered by nurses, especially if they’re well-endowed (with nursing qualifications I mean – we have eyes only for you, girls!)
Early reports suggest that the Husband Nursery doesn’t have actual nurses. However it has something even better. Brace yourselves, chaps, because it here it comes:
Magazines. It has magazines.
You know how the best part of going to the dentist is sitting in the waiting room, leafing through year-old magazines which you wouldn’t have bothered to pick up when they were new? Sometimes I book myself in for unnecessary root canal treatment just for the pleasure of perusing Victorian Doll Collector, or the Combine Harvester Quarterly, and I’m sure I’m not alone there. But wait, there’s more.
It has a TV.
What an age we live in, eh? Now, I’m sure you can see a potential problem. When one dude wants to watch World Series of Korfball, and another one wants to watch Extreme Carp Fishing, things could get ugly. Shirts could be removed, and the whole thing end up a sweaty, grunting grapple on the carpet.
Fortunately, the geniuses behind the Husband Nursery have foreseen and averted this problem. The TV will show nothing but a two minute loop of advertising for products sold in the mall. Anyone who’s been in an elevator with a screen will testify just how soothing this can be.
If this innovation makes it easier for us to spend all our leisure time in malls – as it surely must, considering that in the past, we’ve only had bars, coffee shops and restaurants in which to wait for our loved ones – then that’s all to the good. For too long we’ve had to put up with crooked old streets, quirky little shops, traditional street food and unique handcrafted products. The Husband Nursery is another step into a glorious future of brightly-lit, climate controlled malls which will feature the same shops and brands wherever we are on the planet. I, for one, can’t wait.