Mom Cindy Marie Jenkins is the Deputy Managing Editor of beijingkids and corporate consultant, and her husband Dan is a theme park designer. The couple moved to Beijing from the US in June of 2019 with their two sons Malcolm (age 6) and Bashy (age 4).
When was your first date?
I consider my first date to be the first time I invited a guy to my house specifically because I wanted to be more than friends. I was fourteen. We played some basketball games and then watched “The Little Mermaid” on VHS. By the time Sebastian the crab sang “Kiss the Girl,” I guess I’d made my intentions clear because he did.
What age should kids start dating?
It really depends on the kid, but I thought I was ready by 13 or 14. I was at least ready to make the mistakes I needed to make in order to learn and mature. By 15, I moved from dating to some longer relationships. As idiotic as I acted sometimes, I learned so much about myself – what I want and what I deserve – that later relationships were much better – or at least over faster!
Do you think children should have romantic relationships before college?
I will absolutely support my children having romantic relationships before college. If they want to pursue dating, my husband and I will be there for them, however they need us. And if our kids don’t want to talk to us, I hope they have someone else they can trust.
Have you talked to your children about sex?
Not yet. Malcolm has a great book called “It’s Not the Stork” that we read whenever he has questions. It talks about bodies and fertilization of eggs pretty plainly, without saying how the sperm gets to the egg. We taught them the real terms for their body parts; we don’t use nicknames. Once his understanding of biology catches up with his questions, we still plan to answer plainly and honestly. Kids understand so much more than we give them credit for, and if we don’t tell them the truth, they’ll seek it somewhere else.
We do, however, discuss consent. “If you are playing and your friend isn’t having fun and says no, you stop and see if they’re okay. You need their consent, or permission to tickle them,” that kind of thing. Both kids know they have the right to say “No, stop. I don’t like that” anytime, whether it’s tickling or playing or getting their picture taken. We are adamant that they can and should tell us when they want to stop doing something, even if they don’t know why.
When they start dating, do you want to know the details? Why?
I doubt I will want to know the details. However, my parents always made it clear that if they needed me, I could talk to them, and sometimes I did. Knowing that I could talk to them went a long way towards trusting them. I don’t remember giving them details but I did ask for help when I needed to buy birth control, and I was more uncomfortable than they were about it.
More important than knowing details, I want my kids to know they can always talk to us without judgment. I don’t want them to ever feel shame about their bodies or their feelings. Whether they talk to me or their Dad or whoever, I want our kids to know they can ask any question, any time.
Do you think PDAs (public displays of affection) are acceptable in front of kids?
Absolutely. We are their models for relationships. My husband and I don’t have make-out sessions in front of them, but we show affection. Since they are little mimics, we are careful not to do anything that we don’t want them to play-act with their friends. But we’ve never considered not showing affection to a certain degree.
What are your biggest concerns regarding your children’s emotional development?
I want them to feel free to be themselves, to explore who that is and how they interact with the world. Some of our favorite authors and creators encourage their audience to consider the world complexly, and that is the core of what we want for our kids. There are few easy answers in the world, especially in relationships. They see us work out conflicts or disagreements together. There aren’t always good guys and bad guys in a story; the world is more complicated than that.
After sheltering in place and being in quarantine for so long, we are now re-learning some social and emotional development. It can be slow going, but their friendships in Beijing help.
What is the number one piece of relationship advice you will pass on to your children?
Trust your gut. Embrace your feelings and express them, even or especially if they are scary. Surround yourself with people who challenge you, support you, and will always look out for your best interests. Treat everyone who you date with respect, and expect that same respect in return. That’s more than one piece of advice! It all comes down to respect and consent.
Dad, Xing Tao graduated from Peking University and went on to co-found Beijing Chuangshi Excellence Culture Co., Ltd with his wife Gong Xun, a company that publishes and distributes children’s’ books. Mom, Gong Xun, graduated from Renmin University of China. They have two children, Leslie (7) and Ivy (5) who both go to Harrow Beijing.
When was your first date?
Gong Xun: My first date was during my third year of high school, with one of my classmates. Even though I was very studious and academic at the time, I still made room for emotional growth and feelings. After finishing my homework at midnight, I would often listen to Zero Point Music radio show hosted by Wu Zhoutong. Whenever I liked someone, listening to love songs and stories felt different. The first time I went out on a date was to watch a movie, “Love Mala Tang.” We had reached the theatre late and the movie had already started. When we entered the pitch dark theatre hall, Karen Mok’s hit song “I Want a Boy” was playing. The rhythm and lyrics of the music really matched my mood at that time [laughs.] That was how my first love began.
What age should kids start dating?
The mental maturity of each child is different, so I think it’s difficult to judge when it’s acceptable to them to start dating just by age. I think if the child is relatively mature, then they are ready to go on dates. The person should have a good understanding of themselves, have independent opinions, and be able to solve problems through communication with others. Above all, the most important thing is to have a sense of responsibility and to know how to respect others’ feelings.
Do you think children should have romantic relationships before college?
I will support the choices that my children make when they reach an age where they are mentally mature enough to make those choices. So, whether they are in college or not is not really important.
Have you talked to your children about sex?
I will definitely talk to my children about sex, and gradually deepen the topic as they grow older. Currently, one of my two children is seven years old and the other is five. For the time being, we have discussed how a baby is born, and the physical differences between boys and girls. For this, I bought an awesome book called “Our Body,” which contains very good content and is well-written. In terms of sex education, I am more of an academic buff. So I will basically shortlist books and resources that I think are suitable for the kids, content-wise. Then I will either read and narrate the key points to the children, or I’ll let them read by themselves.
When they start dating, do you want to know the details? Why?
I wouldn’t want to know the details of their relationship, because I am not the type of mother who frets about everything regarding their children. For example, at their current age and stage of life, my children mainly play with children of the same age. Of course, while playing, conflicts do come up. However, I generally do not focus on the minute details of these conflicts. I just figure out which side is right and wrong, whether I should apologize, and how the reconciliation should take place. As parents, you should respect your children and care for them. So, in the process of educating your children, you should give them full trust and understanding.
Do you think PDAs (public displays of affection) are acceptable in front of kids?
This is hard to say. When the children are very young, I don’t think there is any problem with it. But once the children are older, I am afraid that excessive displays of intimacy could bring about negative feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment.
What are your biggest concerns regarding your children’s emotional development?
My two children have very different personalities. My son is a very emotional person, enthusiastic, and impulsive at times. I just worry about him making bad choices when in that impulsive mood. But if he can stay in control and think deeply about himself and his actions, he will be able to deal with problems calmly. My daughter, on the outside, is lovely and well-behaved, but inside she is strong and has her own opinions. In terms of her future, what I worry about most is that she can be herself in a relationship.
What is the number one piece of relationship advice you will pass on to your children?
To learn how to respect others. If they are in a relationship, they should be able to balance that between their individuality and their outlook with friends, family, and other groups of people. When in a relationship, one must establish a sense of responsibility and form a positive outlook on life and values. I think that by finding a person who encompasses these three pieces of advice, happiness is just around the corner.
KEEP READING: West Meets East: Parents From Different Cultures Dish on Parenting
Photos: Courtesy of parents
This article appeared in the beijingkids 2020 September issue
